Are You Over Your Ex?
Today happens to be my ex-husband's birthday. As I glance at the calendar and remember that, I wonder...why?
The obvious springs to mind- after all, I did marry the man and at one time he was a deep part of my life. We built a life together; had dreams; laughed; shared memories; and then it ended with a resounding blow to my heart.
Life went on and I've been with the same 'new' man for nearly ten years. There have been good times and not-so-good ones, like in any relationship. I love him - he loves me.
So, why do these thoughts about my ex-husband creep into my mind? They are unwelcome and seem a bit 'freaky'. He's remarried, has a life, and for that I'm glad. I never wanted anything but for him to be happy.
Wait a minute. While that may be true, who am I kidding? I think the real issue here is not my ex-husband's happiness with a new life and wife...it's the nagging question that never goes away: Why wasn't he happy with ME?
On my twenty-seventh birthday he left. A day or two before he told me he needed to explore the feelings he had for someone he'd met at work. Even went so far as to say the 'person' he'd been going for walks with on his lunch hour was...her.
As much as I'm aware that my divorce and the path life took after it were somehow part of my plan and meant to be, the "What is it that she's got that I don't?" feeling sticks to me like gum on my shoe. I'm a rational person. I know I should toss the notion and get on with it already. It's not like I'm still in love with him.
I think I need to take my ex completely out of the picture and look at myself. It's not really about him at all, or whether I'm 'over him'. He'll always be a part of my life, whether I like it or not. You can't change the past, and I was his first wife. I've got the wedding album to prove it.
But, proving it isn't what I want. It's not what this is all about. The pain caused by my divorce, more specifically, the beating my ego took when I came to the realization that it wasn't that he didn't want to be married, it was that he didn't want to be married to ME, was more of a shocker than the divorce itself.
Does that mean I think I'm the best thing since sliced bread? No. Does it mean I think I'm so easy to live with that nobody in their right mind would even consider leaving me? Again, NO.
In the end, no matter whether your divorce was peaceful or full of battles, the hurt inflicted leaves a scar. The "I wasn't good enough" syndrome is easy to catch, because let's face it, I was dumped. I think anyone who's dumped feels that way.
What I need to do is not expect myself to ever forget I was once married and dumped. That'd be too much to ask of myself. I'd have to get hypnotized or have a labotomy- neither of which I'm opting for. I also need to toss the notion that I wasn't 'good enough'. Isn't that what this feeling really is? "How could he leave ME? He loved ME and left anyway."
You know what? He left because we weren't 'making it'. Perhaps the two kids who met when I was thirteen and he was seventeen grew into different people, even though they waited until she was twenty-three and he twenty-seven to marry.
I can't hate someone I once loved that much. I can't wish harm on a man that at one time, was a huge part of my life, plans, dreams and goals. I'm glad, and I mean this, he's happy- at least I hope so.
It wasn't ME. It wasn't HIM. It was a collapse of US, and for as much as it hurt both my heart and ego when he left, it's not because there was anything WRONG WITH ME.
It was just life. The part of life that sucks. The part that hurts and makes us grow into the poeple we are- whether we want to or not.
So, I'm over my ex. More importantly, I'm over the belief I held that I was somehow to blame- the cause- I could have handled things better. Perhaps. It doesn't matter and it's a done deal.
Indeed, he left me. But, he left one hell of a girl who's got a whole lot to offer and IS a good person...with a few scars.
Ellen M. DuBois
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